What a man’s dating profile says can be very different from what it actually means. So here’s a guide to better understand the common, recycled lines seen on dating apps, while endlessly swiping for a coveted “partner in crime.”


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I love whiskey.

Confirmed: I am a man.

Not my baby in the pic.

I don’t even know this baby. Who the hell is this child?

Just looking for something casual.

Please send me a link to a nice Gap V-neck tee.

No hookups.

I will literally have sex with you under any circumstances.

Hi.

I will literally have sex with you under any circumstances.

Just here to make friends.

I will literally have sex with you under any circumstances.

New in town, show me around.

For no money, can you drive me through the city on a double-decker bus, point out 4–6 landmarks, and have sex with me? (I will leave a Yelp review.)

CRAZY

Political views: moderate.

I am socially liberal, but fiscally an asshole.

We won’t work out if you don’t workout.

It’d be ideal if you were just a protein shake stacked on top of a barbell.

Looking for a partner in crime.

Be the Bonnie to my Clyde! (Bonnie and Clyde are my pet rabbits who have never been in trouble with the law.)

Outdoors > indoors.

Currently dangling from a cliff, can someone send help?

I’m actually older than my profile indicates.

I have Boomer tendencies, and therefore, have no idea how to change my age.

5’10 without heels.

You’re invited to my drag show Wednesday night at the community theatre.

I will fight with you about the Oxford comma.

I have one general understanding of punctuation usage.

I work at Dunder Mifflin.

I can flawlessly act out every scene from The Office and — totally unrelated — I’m unemployed.

No baggage.

My ex-wife took all of our suitcases.

TX > CT > NY > NJ > MT > AK > HI > AL > OR > CA > WA > OK > UT > NY

I am running from the law.

My friend made this account.

My friend also made me tell you that I’m shy and horny for whatever.

I am fluent in sarcasm.

I’ve never left my hometown.

4.95 Uber rating!

Please don’t ask about my credit score.

If you don’t look like your pictures, you’re buying drinks until you do.

No amount of alcohol will ever make me tolerable.

420 friendly.

I will be high as fuck on our first date.

Stop with the filters, ladies — show the real you.

I hope you love the unidentifiable pictures of me covered head to toe in ski equipment and from my high school prom.

I never check this app, message me on Instagram.

I always check this app — I just want you to make the first move and help me reach 10,000 followers. (9,740 more to go!)

I only drink occasionally.

I am clearly not following the 2020 primaries.

Please don’t expect a witty opening line.

Please don’t expect a witty anything.

My mom says I’m cute.

None of you will ever be as good as my mother and that depresses me (because she helps pay for my therapist’s Tesla).

Ethically non-monogamous.

If you’re looking for something unethically monogamous, visit my OkCupid account.

👉👌

I can’t wait to put a ring on it!

Just a Dog Dad looking for a Dog Mom.

I’m actually a Golden Retriever who has learned how to communicate using modern technology. Please adopt me?

Not the type to ghost you.

I will text “hi, how r u” every other day until I realize, years later, you have actually ghosted me.

Not a serial killer, lol.

In high school, I was voted most likely to appear on an episode of Dateline.

🍆🍆🍆

I am great at making baba ganoush.

If you want to know something, just ask.

I thought about writing a gorgeous essay about who I am as a human, friend, and lover, but I finished up on the toilet sooner than planned.