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Michelle Wolf: Joke Show (2019) – Full Transcript

Michelle Wolf: Joke Show (2019)

It seems like… It seems like over the past couple of years, we’ve developed this amazing ability to get mad at anyone for any reason. Like, I saw otters in real life, which was very exciting for me. I love otters, big fan. So, I post about it on Instagram, ’cause that’s how you prove that life happens. And then this woman responds to me. She was like, “You know, I used to love otters too…” “…but then my husband told me that otters rape baby seals. I just thought you should know. Be better.” Okay. Uh, couple things. What’s going on with your marriage? How is that where you’re at conversationally? He wanted to ruin otters for you. He had to look up that fact. It’s true, by the way. But he had to look that up. That’s not something they’re just giving away on Planet Earth. He had to do a deep dive. Much like that otter did into the seal. No, don’t you start groaning already! But, also, she told me this ’cause she thought she knew me. She’s like, “I’m a fan of yours, and you’re a comedian, which must mean you’re a good person.” “So I know once you hear this fact about otters, you will change your tune. You’ll be on the right side of history. You definitely won’t use this in a bit.” “Otters rape baby seals. I thought you should know.” You don’t know me! Maybe that’s why I like otters. Maybe I think seals have been getting away with too much for too long.

Also, whatever you do, you gotta stop saying “rape.” These are animals. No animals are asking for consent. What kind of weird, fairy tale animal sex happens in your head? How do you think your Labradoodle was made? Aww! Did you think a Lab just fell in love with a poodle? That they saw each other from across a field and thought, “Let’s make hypoallergenic puppies”? Some breeder was like, “A happy accident, love wins.” There are two ways you’re getting a Labradoodle. Either some dog breeder jerked off a Lab, and then shoved that jizz into a poodle, or it was puppy rape. You can choose whichever one makes you feel better about life, but it was definitely one of those two. This wasn’t Lady and the Tramp, this was two dogs, one cup. And for the otters, if you want to say rape, all right, how do you know? Did you talk to the seal? Did you get a statement? For all you know, the seal could have been up on a rock and been like, “Hey, otter, want to make a new animal?” And, yeah, an otter-seal hybrid? The cutest animal in the world? I will hold the seal down. And you only care ’cause seals are cute. If I was up here being like, “Otters rape rats,” you’d be like, “Good, ’bout time.”

You don’t have to have a stance on everything. You can just like some things. It’s okay. You can find bad information about everything out there. You can look it up on your phone that was made by a child. And you can find bad information about every single thing out there, but you’ll make yourself miserable. You’re too woke, go back to sleep a little. It’s not like I was posting pictures of Kim Jong-un, being like, “He seems like a fun guy.” Which, if you only look at pictures of Kim Jong-un, he does seem like a fun guy.

We can’t wait to hate people. We can’t wait to have them canceled, and because of that, we get mad before we get logical. Like, me liking otters could have very easily turned into, “Michelle Wolf loves rape.” And, sure, I have a fantasy, but I don’t love that I have it.

Social media has made every opinion valuable, especially if it causes a controversy. Like, right now it’s tweets and Instagram, but before that it was blogs, and before that it was manifestos. I personally love manifestos because you know when someone writes one of them, they’re fucking crazy. And that’s all your tweets are. Your tweets are just teeny manifestos. And you know what blogs are, right? Blogs are a conversation no one wanted to have with you. Even when you were typing it, your computer was like, “I hope I die, I hate this.”

We have such strong opinions, and we can’t just let them be opinions, we have to fight over who’s right and wrong. I’m fighting with my friends. Like, I have a friend, she’s really worried about immigrants coming in and taking our jobs, and I’m like, “Well, you’re a stay-at-home mom.” Ball’s sort of in your court on that one. I’m much more worried about Americans taking immigrant jobs. I got a massage from a Midwestern white lady. Felt like a cat was walking on my back for an hour. And not like an angry or a hungry cat, just a happy cat. Trying to find a place to sleep. Then, a couple weeks later, I got a massage from a Korean man, and he pressed into my back with the pressure that he had left his whole family behind. That’s a great massage! You need a massage from someone who’s been through something. You can’t get a massage from a woman named Meredith, where the worst thing that ever happened to her is the one time she got bangs. Plus, you don’t want a massage from someone who wants to give you a massage. You want a massage from someone who has to give you a massage. These are two very different people. Someone who wants– Someone who wants to touch your naked back for an hour? That’s a serial killer. Someone who has to give you a massage? Someone who’s like, “This fucking piece of shit… comes in here and says her neck is sore from sleeping wrong? I work 70 hours a day. I live three states away and I bike to work, and this piece of shit…” And the whole time you’re thinking, “This is a great massage.”

Such strong opinions. This same friend, she’s one of those people– She doesn’t understand why some people can’t afford health care. Uh, she’s really rich and she’s not a good person. It is though, it’s really hard for a lot of people to afford health care. It’s particularly hard for women to get maternity care. And I do think part of the problem is that women, we’re still too cute about all the stuff that happens to our bodies. We gotta stop being cute. Like, when we have a baby, we say it’s a miracle. Stop it. These men hear “miracle,” and they’re like, “Yeah, so why do you need health care? It’s a miracle.” First of all, having a baby is not a miracle. A miracle is going to bed with one foot and then waking up with two feet. “Oh, it’s a miracle. I gotta go shoe shopping. Get some of those lefts.” Having a baby is not a miracle, it’s a natural disaster. And we need to describe it like one so we get the health care that we deserve. Like, when Florida gets hit with a hurricane, they send help because they show you how bad it is. They’re not like, “And then Florida was kissed with wind by God.” No, they send reporters, they show pictures, they get testimonials. That’s what we have to do after birth. Get a reporter in there, put ’em in one of those weird raincoats. Like, “I’m here in Martha’s vagina, and things are bleak. Roads and bridges are out. Man cannot survive. Debris is everywhere. I have Martha’s husband here, let’s see what he has to say.” “I mean, you try to prepare, and, uh…” “Well, it’s just… my home is gone.”

Gotta stop being cute! Same thing with periods, too cute about those. “Periods,” that’s not even the right name for it. All the names for periods suck. “Period,” “time of the month,” “Aunt Flo.” They all suck. You know what we should call a period? A period should be called: “bloody tissue falling out of a hole.” If you went into work… and you were like, “Hey, I got bloody tissue falling out of a hole,” they’d be like, “Yeah, take the week.”

I know, I talk about periods a lot, and I know, men, I know they’re gross. Women know they’re gross. We– We get it. There’s never a time we wake up and we’re like, “Oh, I’m so excited to clean up a crime scene.” It does make you wonder, though. Are there more women who murder? We’ve just been so good at getting out blood. A skill we learned at age 11. Like, “No one must know.” Yeah, I clean out my vagina once a month, I think I can clean up a body twice a year.

Periods are gross. I know they’re gross, but I talk about them a lot because I want men to be more comfortable. But then, I was thinking how women, how we would act if men were the ones who got periods. And you know what? I don’t think we would be very nice. I think as soon as a man got his period, we’d be like, “Get in the shed, Kevin. Kevin, get in the shed. No, you’re very leaky. And when you’re in the house, you’re only on the linoleum. Don’t you– Don’t you dare go in my living room. That is a new slip cover and you’re very leaky. You’re just like your father.” Of course, women, I also think we’d have to participate a lot more in male periods. You know? But you know, women, we would have to be the ones to remind men to change their tampons. You know we would. We’d have to be like, “When was the last time… you changed your tampon? Babe? Babe?” “Oh, it was, um… Oh… oh… three years ago. But I took it out, I flipped it around, and I put it back in, so…” “Oh, no, little buddy.” I think that’s probably what male tampons would be called: “little buddies.” And I do think they’d be more fun. I think men would have more fun with this. Like, all the strings would have little superheroes on the ends. One would just have, like, Spider-Man shooting up a web. Another one’s got Batman. It’s like, “When Batman’s face turns red, get him out of the cave.” I probably just upset some men. They were like, “I was on board with this whole male period thing, until you combined DC and Marvel. How are they supposed to be in the same box when they’re not even in the same universe?”

But the more I think about men having periods, the more it feels like it fits society better. Like, you know how women, how, like, when we get our period, we get, like, a little bit emotional? Just a little. You probably don’t even notice. And if you dare say anything about it, we get really angry. You know, you’ll be like, “Is it–” You’re hiding behind a couch. “Is this– is this ’cause of your period?” And we’ll be, like, “No! I mean, a little, but no. These feelings are… justified!” I think that time would be very different if men got periods. I think we’d really look forward to it. We’d be like, “Are you about to get emotional? Yeah, let’s do this. Uh, where’d we leave off? Your dad, kindergarten, go.” We’d cancel plans all the time. We’d be like, “I’m so sorry, I can’t go to book club, my husband’s about to get his period, and we’re gonna cry together.” And, like, when we first get our periods, a lot of us are in school, and we’re really quiet about it. You know, we’ll whisper, we’ll be like… “Hey, does anyone have, like, a tampon, or, um, a sock, or… or, like, a really big Band-Aid?” Like, even when you get home, your mom will come talk to you about it, but she’s still quiet. You know, she’s like… “So you got your period? Do you have any questions?” “Yeah, do we still have to whisper here?” “Yeah, the cat’s in the house.” I think, uh, men would be quite loud about their periods. I think, first of all, regardless if it were true or not, every man would want you to know that he has a very heavy flow. “I have a heavy flow and an important job! You can ask anyone in college. They called me The Flowmeister.” I think dads– Dads would be so excited when their son got his period. You know, he’d be like, “My boy is a man. Come out here, son.” The son comes out of the bathroom, there’s blood on his legs, he’s like… “Yeah!” Takes it, wipes it under his eyes. “Rambo: First Blood!” The dad’s like, “Son, I don’t want to get too emotional about this because we both do have our periods… I’ve already synced up with my boy.” “I don’t want to get too emotional about this, but I did want to give you something. It’s a Captain America tampon.” It was my father’s. Just remember to flip it around before you…”

Gross, gross, disgusting. I was thinking about it. Like, could you even– Could you even put a tampon back in after you took it out? You know, it’d be, like, all squishy. Ugh. Gross, I know. I think we’d be able to figure it out, though, you know? We seem to be able to do it with your semi-hard penises. Yeah, we didn’t have to go there, but here we are. Just really turned down that street and now we live here. It’s gross. The stuff that happens to women is gross. Periods, gross.

Birth? That’s– That’s one of the reasons I’m not sure I want to have kids. Birth seems terrible. And I don’t care how many times you try to trick me with those adorable pictures of your new baby up against your chest. I know underneath that sheet is a car accident. Like, if an insurance guy came by, he’d be like, “No, it’s totaled.” “The best we can do here is a rental.” All of a sudden, the husband perks up. He’s like, “Well, what kind of rental are we talking about? Like, a mid-sized Japanese?” Birth is gross, but it’s crazy, ’cause, like, humans are the only animals that seem to have that much trouble giving birth. You ever watch other animals give birth? You can find it online. It’s not porn. Unless you want it to be. Anything’s porn if you masturbate to it. Just take that one home with you.

I would give birth– I would give birth if we could give birth like giraffes. First of all, there’s a lady giraffe, she doesn’t even look pregnant, she looks great. She has, like, a summer body. Spots are in, she looks amazing. And then, all of a sudden, out of what I can only assume is her gaping vagina, a baby giraffe just falls six feet to the ground. The bitch doesn’t even bend her knees! She’s just like, “Life’s hard, learn it now!” There’s a crumpled, gooey giraffe at her feet. She doesn’t make a face, she doesn’t make a sound, she just walks away, and she’s like, “Are you coming? We’re late.” “Fix your wobbly legs or you’re gonna die.” Seems like a good mom.

I don’t know– I don’t know if I want to have a baby, because I don’t think I’d be that responsible. Like, I would want to breastfeed, but only because I want to use breast milk the way a clown uses a flower with water in it. Like, always going up to people, like, “Hey, how are you? Pew, pew!” I’d try to get a job as a tollbooth operator. Like, “Sorry, E-ZPass is down, but keep the change.”

I don’t know if I should have a baby because I don’t think childhood should be fun. I think childhood should be miserable so the rest of your life feels pretty okay. Like, think about it. We were all kids. We were kids and we believed in magic. And then a bunch of shit happened, and now we’re like, “When can we drink?” It, like, makes me jealous of those kids that are born in a basement to a kidnapped mom, because… I’m gonna justify, you guys gotta trust me. …because there’s no way the second half of that kid’s life isn’t better. He escapes, he’s like, “Yeah, I’m an accountant, I have a window. This is amazing.” “I know what day it is. And, like, of the week, not 8,942.”

By the way, do you think those guys that have those basement prison families… What? I think about ’em a lot. I think– I think I’m like most women. I think about what I would do if I ever got kidnapped. But this is how competitive I am. I don’t think about how I would escape, I think about how I become the upstairs lady. Like, I try to tell jokes, I always put the lotion in the basket. And then one day he’s like, “Claire!” That’s not my name, it’s the name he gave me. “Claire, to the living room.” And I’m like… “Yeah!” I high-five all the other women on the way up. You know, but they’re in cages, so I only get their fingertips. They think I’m gonna save them, but I’m loyal. Anyway, I’ve thought about it… a tiny bit.

But those guys that have those basement prison families, do you think they build the basement prison first? Like, do you think they’re part of the “if you build it” community? Or do you think they kidnap a lady, and then they’re like, “I am so sorry, I’m not prepared”? “Honestly, I can’t believe you got in the van. That was crazy, I wouldn’t have done that. I’m gonna have to run to Home Depot. Don’t go anywhere. Just kidding, you can’t, you’re chained to a radiator.” Yeah, that… That joke got dark. I think the whole point of that joke is, check your neighbor’s basement. Once a year, randomly, especially if he’s a nice guy. ‘Cause we all watch those murder documentaries. We all watch them, right before bed, for some reason. And they interview the neighbors, and the neighbors always say the same thing. The neighbors are always like, “Well, you know, I just can’t believe it. I’m shocked. Well, he was always such a nice guy.” Yeah, of course he’s nice. He’s doing the thing he loves. Not a lot of people get to follow their passions. If you’re ever talking to your neighbor and you’re like, “How’s it going?” and he’s like, “Every day is better than the last,” check his basement!

Anyway, I’m not sure if I should have a baby. I do know I can have a baby, I can get pregnant. This is gonna be an abortion joke, put on your hats. A lot of people don’t think you should talk about your own abortion. I think it’s rude to talk about someone else’s. Plus, I’d rather talk about my abortion than hear about your gluten allergy. Anytime I’m at dinner with someone when they’re like, “I can’t have the rolls ’cause of the gluten,” I’m like, “So I walked into the office…” And that’s just the part about how I got pregnant. I like to start stories from the beginning.

And a lot of people think that even if you’re allowed to get abortions, it should only be for a very few specific reasons. Well, I think you should be able to get an abortion for any reason you want. -Yeah. Like, you don’t want a baby. It’s not the right time for you. It’s not the right guy. You’re a redhead and he’s a redhead and you’re worried the baby’s gonna be translucent. And supporters, people even that support abortion, you know, they’re like, “But it is a big deal, you shouldn’t be cavalier about it, it is a big deal. You know, you should take your time making the decision. I mean, not too much time, but you should take your time.” It can be any deal you want it to be. It’s your abortion, it’s your deal. If it’s a big deal for you, it’s a big deal. If it’s not, it’s not. Both are correct. -Yeah. My abortion, not a big deal for me. I left work, I got an abortion, I drank half a LaCroix, and then I went back to work. Not a big deal. And I also think, a pretty good advertisement for LaCroix. “LaCroix, get right back to work after your abortion. Now in Totally Gone Tangerine.”

And we don’t talk about abortion in a real way. We talk about it in a very legislative way, but not in a real way. So, I think a lot of women have a lot of apprehension surrounding it. You know, we talk about it so negatively that you feel like you should have this sense of shame after you get an abortion. Well, you can feel any way you want after you get an abortion. Get one, see how you feel. You know how my abortion made me feel? Very powerful. You know how people say you can’t play God? I walked out of there being like, “Move over Morgan Freeman, I am God!” And then I crossed the street very carefully. That was the perfect time for God to be like, “You’re not God, bitch, here’s a bus.”

And a lot of people think, even if you support abortion, you’re a monster. Well, you know why I had to get an abortion? Why I had to get one? ‘Cause I’m a very nice person. I did one of the nicest things you can do. I said, “Sure! You can cum inside of me!” That is one of the nicest things you can do! Every man in here should be applauding me! I’m a good example. And, yes, that is how I talk during sex. “Sure, you can cum inside of me! Man, this is fun. Jeez Louise.” And guys are like, “With a voice like that, definitely get an abortion.” I’m like, “With a voice like this, I can’t believe you came. Careful around fire trucks.” Oh, you think this gets any less shrill when things are being poked inside of me? No, it does not! That one hurt my ears a little.

I’m– Clearly, I’m a feminist, or at least I try to be a good feminist, but I found out recently that I’m not feminist enough for some feminists, which is so like them. You know, not the easiest group to please. And you know how sometimes it’s annoying to talk to some men about feminism, ’cause, they’re like, “Yeah, I don’t like feminists, they want all men to die.” And I’m like, “That’s not what we want.” And then I ran into these feminists that were like, “That is what we want.” Okay, this seems unsustainable. You know, just biologically. But also, what a stereotypical female thing to do. Women want other women to be perfect. And it’s crazy because I know you can settle. I’ve seen your husbands. It’s why I worry that women will never get ahead. We’re more than half the population. We could take over, but we’re our own worst enemy. We’re never good enough for one another, we’re always tearing each other down. Like, you can see, as soon as women started to organize, you could see some men get nervous. They were mostly younger men. They were like, “Women, they’re organizing.” But older men knew. Older men were like, “Yeah, don’t worry, it’s gonna fall apart.” “No, believe me, my wife’s been in nine book clubs. We’re not even allowed to drive down a street of a lady she doesn’t like. Okay, that one might be because I fucked that lady, that’s maybe…” “But she did forgive me and not her, so…” Oh, too close to home? I try to be a good feminist. I get mad, though. I get mad at some of the stuff we’re fighting for, because we’re, um, wrong. One of the things that makes me really angry is when I hear other women say, “Well, women are just as physically strong as men.” Oh, no… we’re not. Man are stronger and faster than us. That’s just how it is, it’s biological. I’m not happy about it either. But I’m not gonna argue it ’cause I’m not an idiot. There’s probably some women in here right now that are, like, “No. Serena!” No, she’s not as good as the men. And before you get angry, I’m not saying she’s not amazing. She could beat you, the man who gets tired during missionary. But the best women in the world at tennis are not as good as the best men. That’s why they put the women together in general. It’s not ’cause they’re hoping they’ll scissor at the end. That also, for the record, is not why they put the men together either. There is– There’s no scissoring in tennis, and, boy, did I make a fool of myself.

It just– It’s so frustrating for women to fight that we’re just as strong as men. First of all, because it’s not true. But, also, it has nothing to do with equality. The reason we haven’t had a female president isn’t because she couldn’t do enough push-ups. I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but a lot of our presidents have been very weak. FDR wasn’t sitting with a blanket across his legs ’cause he was warming ’em up for squat thrusts. One of our presidents got stuck in a bathtub. Taft got stuck in a bathtub. How do we not talk about that every single day? How is there not a store called “Taft’s Baths, too big to get stuck in.”

Equality is not about making men and women the same, it’s about valuing one another and making sure we’re all getting opportunities. Like, women, I think we’re very comfortable saying we’re better at some stuff than men are. And if we’re gonna say that, we have to let men say they’re better at some stuff than we are. We can’t steal it all. We’re not men. Like, let– Let men have stronger, that’s fine. We’re better at other things. Like, women, we’re better at being people. And this… this is how dumb men are. Men could learn to do the thing we’re good at. We are never gonna be as strong as them, but men could learn how to say, “Are you okay?”

Women, we should just admit this has never been about equality. You don’t want to be equal, you want to be better than men! Admit it! You want to do to men what men did to us. You want to rule the world. You want to line the streets with tampons and fill the fountains with Chardonnay. You want to repeat what a man said in the meeting and have a boss go, “Good idea, Cheryl.” You want to hold power in your hands, and that’ll never happen because men will knock it away with their strong, strong arms. Just settle for equality, and maybe a place to breastfeed that isn’t a closet.

‘Cause we are. We’re getting really– We’re getting really mad at men these days. We’re blaming a lot on men. Especially white men. We’re really going after you guys pretty hard. And I’m not saying you don’t deserve it. You have been sneaky little devils. Tricksters, even. But I do think white women, it’s our turn to admit that we are also part of the problem. I know, it’s really uncomfortable. White women are like, “I did not come here for this.” Others are like, “Me? No, you can’t blame me! I didn’t do anything!” Yes. Exactly. We just sat there the whole time being like, “I mean, I guess. I don’t know.” Plus, some of the stuff white men did, I can’t even believe was their idea. Like, some of the stuff was too clever. Like, when we gave Native Americans blankets with smallpox, that was definitely a woman’s idea. That has “mean girl” written all over it. A man would have just been, like, “We’ll stab ’em and throw ’em in a river.” And then, a woman was like, “No, no. Let’s give ’em blankets. ‘Cause then they’ll think we’re friends, and we’ll be like, ‘Bye!’”

And the white women of my generation, we have completely abandoned white men. We blame everything on you. Even though you pay our rent, we blame everything on you. We’re like, “They did it! It was them! We couldn’t, our arms.” We are the exact opposite of ride-or-die. We are ride-and-flee-immediately. We’re all Rose from the Titanic. We grabbed a door and we shoved a white man into the sea. “Like, I am literally freezing.”

I should say, I do like to do all my historical women as millennials. Like, it’s just more fun to do history that way. Like, all the women on the Titanic would have been like, “It’s so annoying the boat sunk.” “Like, how do you not see an iceberg?” That– That had to be the main discussion on all of the lifeboats, right? It was just a bunch of women being like, “So, he just didn’t see it?” “Isn’t that, like, literally his whole job? This is the most random ocean.” “I’m starving.”

And, like, we’re living in a time right now where, like, a lot of people are confronting their oppression, and white women are really trying to be a part of that. We love being parts of stuff. We just want to be invited. You know, maybe do a little light decorating. Perhaps take it over completely. And I’m not saying white women weren’t oppressed. You know, for the longest time we couldn’t vote or have bank accounts, but for the most part, we had nicer houses. So it was a very different oppression. It was a very air-conditioned oppression. You know, we were the only ones in four-poster mahogany beds being like, “Sometimes things aren’t fair for me.” That’s where, men, you were very smart. This was a genius move. You kept us comfortable. That was very smart. It’s almost impossible to start a revolution from under a duvet. And then when we did start fighting for equality, we didn’t even do that right. We were like, “We want jobs!” And then black women were like, “We have those! In your house! We’re working for you right now! Your son calls me ‘Mom’ often!” Then we were like, “This is really confusing. Plus, the baby’s crying. Can you go do that? Yucky.” That’s the thing, white women, we’re the most privileged victim. We’re a privileged victim. We’ve seen privilege because we’re white, but we’ve seen disadvantage because we’re women. You know, we haven’t had it the best, but we have certainly not had it the worst. And I don’t really know where that leaves us. You know, you want to go with white men? All right, that’s fine, but you’re always gonna be under them. You want to go with women? All right, that’s fine, but you gotta advocate for black women and black men, and you’re probably always gonna be under them. I think the fact is that white women, I don’t think we’re ever gonna have it the best. I don’t think we’re ever gonna find greatness or glory, but maybe we can be the supporters. We can help other people get there. You know, we can sacrifice ourselves so that other people have it better. And maybe in that sacrifice, we can find some sort of satisfaction. And that… is how you play the victim! I almost had some of you, I could feel it. There was white women who were like, “I will martyr, I will be a martyr.” Black women were like, “No, this is a sneaky bitch.” Women, we’re complicated, we’re complex. I think the more we actually lean into that, the better things will get for us. Yeah, sometimes we make decisions with feelings and emotions. I don’t think that’s bad. I think men, it’s crazy that you don’t, you serial killers. Like, women, we’re complicated, we’re emotional. And I think the reason we’re that way is ’cause women, I actually think we’re a higher evolved species of human than men. -Like… You know how they say God made men first? I do believe that. I believe that God made men and then he goes, “Oh, good try, but… I think I can do better.” And then he made women, and he was like, “Oh, no, that’s a little much. I’ve really over-corrected. It’s too many shapes. That’s gonna be hard to clean.” I do, I think women, I think we’re a higher evolved species of human than men, and I don’t think we recognize that. I don’t think we recognize that men are just dumb idiots and we have to remind them of things. And for every woman out there that’s like, “Well, that’s not fair,” yeah, life’s not fucking fair, you princess! For every woman who’s like, “Well, men should just know.” No, that’s the bliss of being an idiot. You don’t know you’re an idiot. For every man who’s like, “I’m not an idiot.” Shut up, I’m trying to help you, you stupid idiot! You know when I realized men were first idiots? You ever watch a man fall asleep? Men will lay their head back and fall asleep immediately, like there wasn’t a thought in there to begin with. Just like… And then, this is how deep the idiot goes. Men are the ones most likely to get sleep apnea. Your own body forgets to breathe! Your own body’s like, “Whoa, sorry, man. I almost lost us there. You know what could really help, if we wore a Darth Vader mask the rest of our lives.” I mean, one of the best examples of this was when– Remember when we were getting really mad at men for man-spreading? You know, when they were spreading their legs too far in a subway or a train, and we were like, “It’s the patriarchy!” No, I promise you, he’s just a dumb idiot… who was like, “My balls are hot. I’m gonna have to figure this one out. Okay, nailed it. God, I’m so good at problems. I should be in charge of everything.” I guarantee you, it never even occurred to him that there are other people on the train. And, yeah, it’s not fair, but it’s your job as the higher evolved species to be like, “Hey, idiot, close your legs, I need room for my bag.” And I guarantee you, 95% of the time they’ll be like, “I am so sorry, I didn’t see you there, your boobs are small.” And I remember when this was happening, some women were like, “I don’t feel comfortable telling a man to close his legs.” And why is that? Is it because men are a lot stronger than us and they could really hurt you? I promise that’s the last time I’ll make this point. But, also, if you can’t tell a man to close his legs, you can’t be in power. Power is not given, power is taken. And I’m pretty sure I wrote that, or I stole it from Game of Thrones. And, yeah, it’s not ideal.

In an ideal world we wouldn’t have to do this, but in an ideal world you wouldn’t have to put a sign outside a pool that says, “Don’t poop here.” Every single one of those dumb warnings are for men, every single one! They did not put up that sign because a lady pooped in the pool. All those warnings, on medicine, when it says, “Don’t take this if you’re allergic to it, you fucking idiot.” That’s for men! That’s why there’s a man in the crosswalk, so you can go, “Oh, yeah, it’s walking time.” On car commercials, when it says, “This is a professional driver on a closed course,” that’s for men! There’s no woman sitting at home being like, “I gotta buy a Chevy and find a cliff!” So… God made men, and he was like, “I can do better.” And then he made women and he was like, “That’s a little much.” And then he made gay men and he was like, “Yeah, that’s the right one.” “That works way better together. I’ll make lesbians while I’m at it, I’ll give them my carpentry skills.” I love lesbians. I think lesbians are the future. I don’t think they know what’s gonna happen, but I think they’re always prepared for several scenarios. But my favorite fact about lesbians is that for the longest time, no one believed they actually existed. Like, men couldn’t wrap their heads around lesbians, ’cause it didn’t involve a penis. That’s how important they think their penis is. They were like, “A puzzle piece is missing.” Like, gay men, they understood. They didn’t like it, but they were like, “There’s these crazy guys, they like a penis in the butt, and I don’t think about it all the time.”

But gay men, they could wrap their heads around that. Lesbians, they were baffled. They were like, “No, it’s two ins, it’s not structurally sound. Believe me, I’m an engineer.” Are there gay men here? That sounds about right. I learned this about myself recently: I hate gay men. Not ’cause of anything you do sexually, very onboard with that, quite impressed. I have tried it once, and not for me. But way to power through. I hate gay men ’cause they’re better at being women than I am. Like, I thought I liked dick, and then I heard a gay guy talk about it, and I was like, “Oh, no, I think it’s just okay.” Gay guys talk about dick the way men wished women talked about dick. Straight men, if you want someone to love your dick, be gay! Gay guys talk about dick the way kids talk about Christmas. They’re like, “Is it here yet? Can I open it?” Women, we talk about dick the way Jews talk about Christmas. We’re like, “The music is nice, but I don’t think it needs to start in October. Also, holiday’s over, let’s wrap it up, it’s wintertime.”

I do think this is the crux of a lot of our problems. I think men– I think you think your penis is more important to us than it is. It’s important to you, and it should be, it’s yours, but we do not care about it… as much as you do. I think we also don’t care about big dicks as much as men do. Men talk about big dicks a lot. It really… It seems to be on your minds. You’re always saying stuff like, “She needs a big dick!” You… you should ask us. We’re all different. I have a short torso. This is a finite amount of space. I think we should start thinking about penises and vaginas as a foot-in-a-shoe situation. You ever try to jam your foot into a shoe that’s two sizes too small? Imagine if the shoe had feelings. And you cared. We should all know our size. At the end of a night at a bar a guy should be like, “I’m an eight,” and you’d be like, “Well, I’m a four so, no.” Or a guy’d be like, “I’m a two,” you’d be like, “You should lie about that. Or show me a picture of your apartment.” A two with a good apartment is a six, that’s just math. And we should talk about dicks in sizes, sizes that we all know and understand. We have to stop talking about dicks in inches, because I don’t know how much an inch is. You know how I know a penis is too big? I see it and I go, “Oh, no.” “No, you think I’m a different person. You think I’m old Long Vagina.” “She needs a big dick!” All right, what do you think I want out of sex, a hole in my back? To become a dolphin? Which, vocally, does make sense. And, look, I’ve had sex with guys with big dicks. Sometimes I’ll sort of move away, they’ll be like, “Where are you going?” And I’m like, “To safety.” You know, in boxing, if you punch someone in the liver, it’s illegal. And yet, men still say, “She needs a big dick!” No, she needs you to text her back. And I’m sure– I’m sure there’s some women in here whose preference is a big dick, and that’s fine, to each their own. Me personally, more of a strong medium. Small is still not on the table. Small’s– If you have a small penis, you should kill yourself. It’s an honor killing! It’s good! I feel like this is what Goldilocks was originally about. And then they were like, “No, we’re not gonna be able to read this to children.” “Even in Germany?” “Yeah.” “All right, ‘porridge,’ but you get it.” And I know, I know I just said a very mean thing. I said men with small penises should kill themselves, and that’s a really mean thing to say. It’s also a very funny thing to say, ’cause no man with a small penis can ever get mad at me for that without immediately revealing himself. And it’s crazy because we really only talk about big penises and little penises. We don’t talk about what I think is the worst penis out there, the skinny penis, the wisp of wind, the ghost. I blame part of this on us women. I don’t think we talk about it ’cause we’re worried men are gonna be like, “I don’t have a skinny penis! You just have a giant vagina!” No, dude, you got a skinny penis. Looks like a witch’s finger. Are you trying to have sex with me or cast a spell? Wand down, Harry Potter.

But there is one important question I don’t think we’re asking ourselves right now, and I think this is really important to address in the time that we’re in as a society. And that is… do you think moms want to know how their sons’ penis turned out? I know, bit of a left turn. In the joke, hopefully not the penis. I just think she had a lot to do with that, and then she never got to see what grade she got. Think about it, she grew the penis for a while, and then she had the baby, and for several years made sure the penis was safe and clean, and then this poor woman sent that penis out into the world, and she never got to see how the movie ended. I think, men, I think you should show your mom your penis. I think you’re out there showing your penis to people who don’t want to see it, show it to the one person… who really wants to see it. Your mommy! Go ahead, pull out your phones right now! I know y’all got a dick pic on there! Send that sweet, sweet dick pic to your mommy! And she’ll be like, “Oh! There’s my little guy.” I have been getting called vulgar a lot lately. Like, when I did the White House Correspondents’ Dinner, right– It’s fine, it was a job, it didn’t pay well. Then afterward all these people were like, “You ruined the dinner,” and I was like, “I ruin every dinner. Did you do no research?” But right before I went up to give my speech, and this is a 100% true story, the guy who was sitting on my right, he was a reporter from Dallas, he leaned over and he goes, “I watched your HBO special before this ’cause I wanted to see what kind of comedy you do.” And I was like, “Oh, glad somebody did.” And he goes, “I have to admit, I think you’re pretty vulgar,” and I was like, “Oh, if you think I’m vulgar, you should hear male comics.” ‘Cause I know all the stuff I talk about, periods, pussies, dicks… There’s other stuff, but we hit those pretty hard. And as soon as I talk about that, a lot of people, especially a lot of other women, are like, “She’s vulgar! She’s nasty! Not a lady!” But men talk about almost all the same stuff. I mean, maybe not otter rape, but almost all the same stuff. And as soon as men do it, people are like, “Yeah, but they’re men. Men are gross.” Which is crazy ’cause women are so much grosser than men! We’re disgusting! This is why we gotta stop being cute! Every hot woman you know shits furiously! And that’s not the worst of it. Do you know how much stuff falls out of my vagina every month? I’m not talking about during my period, I’m talking the other weeks. The gloops and the globs. Which is also the name of the children’s book I’m working on. “Gloop! Gloop! Glob! Glob!” Like, sometimes I look down at my underwear and I’m like, “That can’t be right.” So, then I google it and I’m like, “No, that’s definitely in the spectrum.” It makes me– It makes me feel so bad for women before Google, you know, where you just had to, like, go up to a neighbor and be like, “Hey, you ever get, like, an off-white– You know what? No, never mind. No, I just– I’d rather die than have this conversation.” And, like, men try to be gross. Like, it’s almost adorable. You know, they’ll say things like, “Oh, skid marks!” Yeah, okay. Sometimes I look down at my underwear and I’m like, “Did I put toothpaste down there? Three years ago? Oh, and also skid marks. I got a butt, too!” So, yeah, if you want to call me vulgar, go ahead, I’m a vulgar, disgusting bitch! And I am– I am happy to admit that now, but I gotta be honest, it took me a little bit to get there. You know, I didn’t want to be called vulgar at first. No, I think what I needed, I needed to see an example of someone else. You know, like, I need to see someone else be vulgar that’s not supposed to be to know it was really okay. I guess what I’m trying to say is, I learned it from the President. And I hope all your daughters do too, you fucking pussies! Good night!

♪ We’re all stars now ♪
♪ In the dope show ♪
♪ We’re all stars now… ♪


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