I’m never living this down. It’s pretty standard for a lot of other sex-related posts here, but it’s really destroyed me on an emotional and spiritual level. Obligatory ‘this wasn’t actually today but last week and I’ve just been thinking about it every day since’.

The first thing you should know is that I am NOT a sexual person. I barely ever have ‘urges’, I rarely think about anything like that, my libido is comparable to that of a fence posts’…etc. However, I started noticing that I was becoming increasingly bitter towards things like that, so I decided, ‘You know what, I’m going to try and explore that side of me, maybe bring it out a little more!’ and so, I did… it. I bought two sex toys (nothing extravagant, just basic, cheap little items) and a bottle of lubricant because I work smart, not hard.

Things SHOULD be fine, I think to myself, I’ll order them and they’ll come in in a week or so, no one’s expecting any packages then, so there will be no issues and they’ll hand it right off to me, none the wiser!

And then that DIDN’T happen, can you believe it?

No, what actually happened was worse, and proved to me that my dad is a monstrous, monstrous man who lives to cause me pain. Unbeknownst to me, I was still under my trial of Amazon Prime (I’d forgotten to cancel it after buying a Vulpix plush, sue me), and the package shipped and arrived… The next day. Even this should have been fine, no one in my family opens packages that aren’t theirs except one little thing: MY package came in with my MOMS’ packages.

I didn’t realize they were coming in that day, so I was still curled up in bed watching TV. When I heard the delivery truck pull up, I thought, ‘oh cool’ and then went back to my show. It just so happened that my mom ordered a lot of different parts for her car, and then she assumed the box was one of hers as well without checking the label since I hadn’t mentioned ordering anything to her (obviously).

According to my mom, she opened it, thought, ‘oh, *my dad* must have bought something.’ and then… she checked the label. And saw my name.

Did she do the respectable thing and tape it back up with clear tape like nothing happened? Did she just hand it to me and walk away silently? No, she went to my dad. Because of course she did. According to my mom, she walked in, said, ‘our daughter ordered sex toys and I don’t know how to handle it’ and my dad shot up in bed with horror. A moment later, he giggled and jumped out of bed, taking the box from her and saying, ‘I want to give it to her!’

He walks into my room. I say hey to him and sit up to look at him. He tilts the box towards me to show it’s contents, and then we stare at each other in silence for several seconds before he sets it down next to me with the biggest grin on his face, and then calmly walks off.

I can’t look my parents in the face anymore. I might actually have to move out, COVID be damned because my dad won’t stop making masturbation jokes.

I ordered two sex toys and lube off Amazon without realizing I had Prime, which meant that I didn’t grab my package when it was delivered. My mom opened it, thinking it was hers, and then went to my dad for help. My dad is a monster, so he came into my room and stared at me while showing me the contents of the box, then set it down next to me and walked out. I think I’m getting an apartment soon.

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